im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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