So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
