You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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