i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
