get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
