dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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