I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
