Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
