She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
even my farts smell like vagina
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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