I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
