I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
