Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
