well I can't set my house on fire every night
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
