I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
