He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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