I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
