i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
