Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
