i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
