Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
