just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
