the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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