Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
