Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
