The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
