Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
