I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
