Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
