Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
