The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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