i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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