and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
