We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
