This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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