Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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