The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
