Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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