I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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