just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And then he peed in my hair
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