After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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