My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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