Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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