I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
