the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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