wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
