I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
