totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
