the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
