Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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