Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
