All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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