Pants 0. Shit 1.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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