Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
